Behind all this performing thing that has been going on my whole life, I still have the same problem. Haunting me, taunting me. I’m not trying to be emotional about it but, it has been bothering me ever since. So, I just want to share what I’ve been through because who knows, there might be someone out there, facing the same problem as I do.

Everything was perfect during practice, I did it with no mistakes. I was confident, I can finally do this! But no, reality really slaps the hell out of my face. I always make mistakes. All the time, all performances, I screw everything up. And I hated it. What more am I lack of? Confidence? Accuracy? I’m not sure. All that I know is, my mind blanks out at the entire time of my performance.

So, Pro’sa Mania 2019, I screwed up as well. I want to explain about what I’ve been through, why I made mistakes, but I just feel like it will sounds like I created reasons just to cover up my wrong doings. On this entry, please give me the chance to explain myself.

First day of the show, I pretty much did quite a good job for the chime part during Tambar’s scene. Except the fact that I zoned out a bit during the Voice Over of Siwa and Sintal.

BUT, ON THE SECOND DAY OF THE SHOW!

I screw up so bad, I want to bury myself alive. I played wrong note, wrong timing, everything is wrong. I’m an absolute mess! Okay but first, I don’t remember my queues, so Ciklah (our SM) wrote me all the cues. It was all fine, untill my book light fell off. My cues are all in darkness, as dark as my soul. I was shaken but it’s okay, I can do this. BUT I CAN’T. I’m a very forgetful person and I often blanks out. Plus, I’m quite down since no one even care to watch me perform while everyone else is with their family and friends.

Nevertheless, people laughed at my mistakes, so, I guess, okay then. It became a memory for me.

That is it. This will probably be my last blog.